Blog di Ruffles The Pug

Umore:bello

Cua nque’ msaa! (Which actually means "Good Morning". So when you’re next in Tataltepec in Mexico, you can officially sound like one of the locals. I know, I’m full of good ideas, just send me a postcard as a thankyou.)

So I was looking at my blog posts, you have to go back to Valentines Day to find my last entry. Sheesh, I had no idea it had been over a month since I’d written, so much has happened!!!

I guess I should talk about the "Scarlett Johansson" incident shouldn’t I? Ever since I said on my Status that I woke up next to her, I’ve had thousands of msg asking me what on earth happened.



Well, my memory is slightly fuzzy, but the story goes it turned out she was going to be in Australia to do some press for her new movie and that she desperately wanted to meet yours truly in person.

I actually thought the whole thing was a wind up, but then it all started to make sense. Ever since I dated Jessica Alba for a bit (I’m sure you’ve seen the photos of us out and about), those young Hollywood types won’t leave me alone.





All of sudden I have people like Lindsay Lohen wanting to take me out to lunch, Natalie Portman wanting to go shopping with me and I just got off the phone with Eva Longoria, who wants me to fly me to New York so I can help give her some decorating tips on her new apartment. It’s out of control.

And then low and behold there’s, Scarlett, in Australia, desperate to see me, wanting a ride on the Ruffles Express! 

So I agreed to meet up with her for drink in the presidential suite of the hotel, I made sure the champagne and canapés were on ice, that my best outfit was pressed, the candles were lit, the lights dimmed and I waited.

And I waited. And I waited. Nervous and excited in equal amounts. In fact, I waited for over 4 hours for her to arrive. (It turned out her flight was delayed.) All I had for the next 4 hours was the view of the city and over 18 Long Island Ice Teas to keep me company.

Now for those of you who don’t know what a Long Island Ice Tea cocktail contains, here’s the ingredients
1 part vodka
1 part tequila
1 part rum
1 part gin
1 part triple sec
1 1/2 parts sweet and sour mix
1 splash Coca-Cola

When she finally arrived, she was incredibly apologetic; I on the other hand was rather drunk. In fact, so much so, that I was convinced the mini bar (which at that point had started talking to me) was going to reveal the secrets of the universe. The hotel lights were becoming increasingly blurry, spinning around like halos and the room kept shifting and tilting from side to side.

We did manage to talk for a few minutes though and in that time here’s a few things I found out about her.

1. This is her favourite song
2. She had a major crush on this guy during school
3. Her favourite dish is the Thai rose-petal, tofu and cucumber salad with aged truffles with a dash of Tabasco sauce
4. She owns every single Batman comic ever made
5. Someone paid 20,000 pounds to go on a date with her  
6. If she were an animal she’d want to be a Giraffe (I know I thought that was weird too)
7.  The gap in Madonna’s teeth annoys her
8.  Her prizes possession (which she takes everywhere), is her Lion King watch
9.   She has over 45,671 pairs of shoes, 32,302 of which are black
10.  She’s secretly scared of this chap...(mind you, can you blame her?)



A little later she started talking in slow motion and then everything just faded to black. (I’m blaming those 18 Long Island Ice Teas.)

The next thing I knew, it was morning and there she was lying there next to me.



The first thing she said to me was "Ruffles, you are amazing! I have never met someone so small, so wise and so furry as you. We should get married, in fact, we should get married in Vegas and Elvis can be there. I love you, you are my furry four legged soulmate."

Now as you all know, I am OBSESSED with Elvis, and the thought of him being the minister and marrying Scarlett and I was just too good to handle (even if it was an impersonator).

I didn’t care what Hollywood though and nor did she, this was LOVE! I had been put under her magic spell! I’m a celebrity, so it seems only appropriate I should marry one right? We were going to go to Vegas in the next 48 hours and make it all happen.

I told all my friends, I sent out invites to my MySpace Top friends, but before I could book my flights, a friend of mine sent me this photo…



After that, I called off the whole thing, I deleted her from my phone, deleted her on MySpace and I threw out every single movie I had starring her in it. I was utterly crushed, HIM of all people!

But then I found this photo and it made me feel better – talk about embarrassing, that’s the type of photo you mum pulls out and shows your friends when they come over.



So that little drama has been taking up a lot of my time recently.

In between that whole saga, I’ve considered travelling to outer space at some point – I’m not sure how I’m going to do it, I might have to design my own space pug outfit and go up on the next mission. Can you imagine how cool that would be? Blogging from outer space. Would any of you be interested in going inter-galactic with me?

And if Scarlett and Space travel wasn’t enough, it’s time to get hypoglycaemic for Jesus, that’s right, it’s Easter!



The one time of the year when chocolate is both full of empty calories yet rich in spiritual nourishment.

But before you consume your own body weigh in Biblically authentic Marshmallow pieces, take a moment to consider the Easter Bunny. Cute, fluffy, gives out eggs to kids (anyone else think that was weird seeing as rabbits don’t even lay them…) and universally loved.



Well, here’s some rather shocking evidence of what the Easter Bunny is REALLY like during his days off during the other 364 days of the year.

Not such a nice fluffy Bunny now is he?

If you see him, tell him I’m onto him! I know, I always look out for you guys.

Have a safe, fun and Happy Easter ok?

Your Friend
Ruffles

Umore:raffinato

Jambo! Jambo!

(That's Hello in Swahili - you never know when it might come in handy)

Well it's my first blog entry of 2008 – did you miss me? How did the festive season treat you?

I'm going to take a shot in the dark with this, let's see…were you raiding the liquor cabinet at every available opportunity? Getting tramped on in the last minute shopping rush? Ended up spending Christmas being forced to create small talk with relatives you dislike intently and whom you only see once a year?

Maybe you've had your friends post numerous shameful photographs of yourself getting out of control on New Years Eve, all over the internet?

Now you're flat out broke, a little chunkier than you were 30 days ago and in desperate need of a holiday on Waikiki Island?

Just like me then.

I can't remember much about Christmas, there was a fat man in a suit, an odd looking character called Rudolph, a midget or elf featured in the equation somewhere and when I tore off the wrapping of my presents, imagine my amazement when I found out I'd received

1. 3 sets of crockery, 2 of them with ornamental flower print, 1 with a Safari theme.
2. A book about how best to cook Lamb Shanks, 347 pages long - no pictures.
3. A He-Man pencil case, complete with Skeletor eraser.
4. A brass kazoo with a Leprechaun printed on it.
5. Bob Marley scented candle.
6. A package of batteries that had a tag on them that read: "gift not included".
7. A black velvet/gold embroidered boob-tube and leopard-print mini skirt.
8. Printed paper napkins which has the phrase "Lets Go Party Party" on them.
9. Superhero Pack of 3 Y-fronts - Captain American, Incredible Hulk and Spiderman.
10. A gift voucher for selected brands of oatmeal cereal from the local supermarket.

You know what I thought after I'd opened them all.

Wrong address.

Nice one Santa.

Worst yet, I now have to wait 364 days to get an exchange.

By the way, if I've just listed your entire Christmas wishlist I'm therefore clearly in possession of your presents. Here's my advice.

A. Never show your face in public again
B. Get the person nearest you, to slap you in the face 10 times
C. See previous answers.

Did you get any crap Christmas presents? You can tell me, I'm good with secrets (plus I promise not to tell your relatives, Scouts honour) let's see who can lay claim to getting the WORST present of 2007!

After Christmas, there's not much to do expect wait for New Years Eve, so I decided to put my time to good use. On my profile, you'll see that I'm an avid reader of books, so much so that I've actually got my own library at home. Most mornings, I head in there, complete with some pancakes and a piping hot coffee and spend about 2 hours deciding which novel I should attempt to read next.

But with all this free time, I thought I should make my library a little more colourful, a little less Harvard University. So I colour-coded all my books. What do you think? Good look?

The yellow coloured ones are actually those "Pugs for Dummies" series. I've got ones on "DIY For Dummies", "Asian Cuisine For Dummies" and my personal favourite "Mountain Biking For Dummies" – not much good to me that one I know, I just like the funny pictures of stickmen on bikes.

Sadly though, I've got to go and get ready, lobster is nearly done and the champagne needs to be put on ice – I've a 'special lady friend' coming over...

Which friend you ask? Well, here's a hint, could 2008 be the year I fall in love? 

Signed,
Ruffles

P.S. You can subscribe to my blog here